This Is To All of You.... We Love You Zack

Life just isn't fair.  People don't deserve to die, others don't deserve to lose them, and those of us that are left become broken down through the course of time because these voids in our hearts will never be filled. 

Reading the Palm Beach Post this morning when I arrived at the office was just the same as I begin every other work day.  I read an article about a crash on Glades late the night before in which one person had been killed and scrolled onto the next article.  When I got the phone call two hours later, I couldn't accept that the article was about our very own Zack.

I'm at a loss for words just like everybody else.  Part of me still can't believe it's true.  The pain in my heart is wrenching.  To put it simply, we lost a great one today and we all know that.

Zack affected each of us in his very own way.  Anybody who knew Zack has stories about times with him that never get old.  We all have some great memories that we must cherish because a person as special and irreplacable as him is undoubtedly impossible to forget.  This world will not be the same without him, none of our worlds will ever be the same.

I know my words are generic, but there are no words that could do him justice.  His mind, heart, personality and smile were too big for most people to handle in this world.  We all accepted him and embraced Zack's qualities that others thought were borderline nuts, because that's just how he was and that's why we loved him.   

He brought a lot of us together; a lot of you I would have never befriended otherwise.  He turned us from strangers to friends, and from friends to family.  We are all in different states, living different lives, and were parts of his life at different times and phases, but we all have something amazing in common.  Zack was the glue to keep all of us together.  This is not a time for us to "move forward"- Zack never moved forward without taking all of us with him.

We can't sweat the small stuff.  We need to be good to each other.  A lot of friendships and relationships have been damaged amongst this general group I'm speaking to.  It's time for all of us, myself included, to grow up and be strong right now.  We have always had each other's backs when things went wrong and this is definitely not the time to stop.  Pick your heads up.  Support Josh.  Tell everyone you know the crazy stories about times with Zack.  I couldn't help but smile even though I was gushing tears today whenever I would think about him or talk about him with Rocky.  We have all done some crazy shit, some of the best times in my life thus far were spent with this crew.

I wish we could bring him back, I wish this wasn't happening- but it is.  We won't "grieve and get on with our lives," like people say to do when they lose somebody.  We will live like Zack is still here.  Laugh often, smile at the authorities when you're in trouble, take care of each other, and most importantly never quit.  Go hard, bastards.
 



 

 

Cause looking for heaven, Found the devil in me

An ode to Florence and the Machine.... The hot and scalding water feels so relaxing as the sound of "Shake it Out" streams from my cell phone in the steamy shower. Scrubbing the Nexus shampoo that smells of coconut into my hair amongst the steam, I snap out of it when I hear her say, "cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me." On a daily basis we strive for happiness, want to be loved, search for appreciation, and try to sustain dignity all at once. However, every night as I lay my head I feel unaccomplished, insignificant, and unfulfilled. Working two jobs in high school, sacrificing sleep, sacrificing love, (then and now,) I thought I was reaching my personal heaven... But I only found the devil in me. I thought if I could better myself and my own life than I could better the lives of those around me. Looking back I realize that's not what I wanted at all, I THOUGHT I was doing it for them, but my selfishness overcame me. Now I'm left with little to what I started with.... Right back to square one. Regardless of love, dignity or selflessness, do yourselves a favor... Recognize during every action you partake in who you're REALLY doing it for. I could desert my blood, my family, my first love, and my hometown since birth for something I didn't even know existed. I believed the grass was greener on the other side, but that's not always the case. These days I may consider trading in my star-studded, beautiful, exotic, and exciting life for another day in Rutland, Vermont. Days where I would laugh so hard it would make me cramp during soccer practice with my best friend Melanie, talk about colleges and our futures with my best friend Naomi, or look to the love of my life and his parents for guidance- I have a fabulous life today, but it could never compare to my previous one. We used to look down upon females our age until we were blessed with Selene Ross. I thought college and careers were out of reach until Melanie and Jake made it, who I love SO much and I'm SO proud of! My life may seem fabulous, buy it's empty without those people. Some in my hometown envy me and are excited to hear of the celebrities I meet, the concerts I attend and the parties I go to, but 9 times out of 10 I wish I were nowhere but back in high school in Vermont.... You'll never know until you explore both worlds. I have regrets. I've loved and lost. I've learned. I've grown. I'm happy, but I've also found the devil in me. Take chances- find the person that truly appreciates and loves you, make a difference in the world, make yourself happy and find out where HOME is.... Because there is no place like it and the devil will never find it.

Heartbreak Hotel

It’s never easy for us to let go of somebody when it comes to terms of the heart.  Looking back we’ve lost ones that were worth it, kept ones around that never deserved it, and the only thing we can change is how to handle the next sorry bastard that comes along.  Love is supposed to make life more enjoyable, not more complicated.  It’s supposed to make us smile and jump for the moon, but it usually leads me to bawling in the bath tub with a bottle of Cabernet (yes, the bottle is physically in the bath tub with me) while Sade plays on my Pandora.  Some of you give up- becoming cynical, miserable, and convinced that you’re incapable of love. The rest of you wipe your tears and continue the never ending quest of finding love...Cut it out.

Being one of the cynical ones, it’s that much more difficult to “let somebody in” which makes it nearly impossible to let them go.  It’s always a pleasant surprise when a man who is eager to be in my life crosses my path considering I’m a notorious man-eater, yeah I said it.  I’ve learned that you’ll have less drunken nights crying in the bath tub if you’re the heartbreaker rather than the heartbroken.  Anyways, back to the one who never ceases to amaze me.

 It always seems to be someone who I’d never expect it out of.  The classic story of hot nights and no fights because it’s all fun and games in the beginning, until we  get these weird things called feelings.  Now my calm and collective exterior crumbles and my genuine characteristics show up, but the really awesome ones like jealousy.  Guys love jealous bitches….not.  So I push his buttons and I stop doing his laundry saying really witty things like, “why don’t you have your OTHER girlfriend fold your t-shirts and briefs, asshole” under my breath.

“What did you just say?”

“Nothing.”

Okay the laundry thing is an understatement, but that’s how it begins!  Things fall apart, and now hot nights turn into endless fights.  The split happens, the heartbreak occurs, and I’m back in the damn bath tub. 

If you’ve ever experienced true, gritty, and honest heartbreak you know that nothing can heal it but time and even a lifetime could never erase it.  It lingers in your mind, prevents you from sleeping at night, makes you binge eat for days then makes you not eat for days.  Every song, smell, sight and show on television makes you think about them and no matter how hard you try- you can’t erase the person from your thoughts.  That’s usually the point in time which I realize I loved the person, but by that time it’s too late and the damage is done.  It is so true that you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone- so if you have any pain in letting a person go, take a second look.  There is a sure reason why you want them, need them, and long for them to be a part of your life. 

I promise you’ll never be able to completely cut somebody out, you’re mind just will not allow it.  I’ve loved, I’ve lost and when I finally can smile again everyday because I’ve managed to block them out of my thoughts…they come back around.  I jump for joy and scream with anger all at once.  Either I’ve got a chance to save something I lost or we are both too weak to let go completely when we know we should.  How do you know that you aren’t letting go of the one who’s worth it?

Grow Up and Carry Yourself

You can't plan life.  If you talked to me one, two, or even five years ago this is definitely not where I said I would be.  I had big dreams, solid goals and high hopes, but the reality is that nothing ever goes as planned.  Looking back, I'm not sure if everything I wanted was truly for me or if it was just to prove something to the people in my life.  Now I'm twenty-two years old, I haven't accomplished anything I'd hoped to by now, and I could care less if anyone else has an opinion about how I'm doing or where I've ended up.

Actually, you know what?  Maybe we say we "don't care" what other people think. or maybe we just can't come to terms with the fact that they don't want to hear the truth.  I have no desire to confess to my father that I have not been in college for the past year; I'd rather lie to him over a five minute conversation every month by saying "there were problems with my paper work".  Who are we really lying to?  And why do we feel the need to cover up the reality of our lives to dismiss the opinion of someone else?

You only live one life so handle it how you choose.  It's short, it's sweet, and you only get one shot.  Don't let anybody make you sad, don't let anybody hold you back, and most of all control your own destiny.  If it takes me five years instead of four years to finish college, than so be it.  It's my life- I spent that extra year doing what I wanted to do.  How many of you can say that for yourselves?

I have friends who claim they are "independent" but if they didn't have their parents, they'd be poor, homeless, hungry and lost.  Take charge of your freedom.  You only live one life- I'd rather struggle than have some other person control mine.  Man up and do things for yourself, not for anyone else.  At the end of everyday you can only count on one person, and that's you.  Nobody ever got to the top because of other people, so grow up and carry your damn self.

 

Moments Make the Memories

In the attempt to fall asleep, the three of us sit up at six in the morning with nothing but the sounds of our voices. I am pretty positive the weather is the only topic we didn't cover as Sara and Rocky talked themselves right to sleep. Now the room is silent, the sun is up, and I can't help but sit here and take it all in. I could talk about nothing for eight hours with these two. As uneventful as that may seem, it would be eight hours of my life that are simply irreplaceable and every second would be special.

I feel like everyone my age sits back and wanders down memory lane telling stories that never seem to get old and always get re-told. How about your very first party freshman year of college, or the tragic break-up that made you think your life was over at twenty, or the endless stories of run ins with the police which always ended with something hilarious happening. These memories are times that we look back upon and keep with us for the rest of our lives because we know they could never happen again in the same exact way.

The stories are all unforgettable, but we put them above other moments that didn't seem so thrilling or monumental at the time. I don't remember my first party freshman year of college (not because of alcohol) but because I was probably with people who made no impact on my life and I would have been completely indifferent if I never saw them again. But I do remember the very first day I met my two best friends who sit here with me now four years later. Most of you cherish your fun time at a nighclub together as a great memory, but I don't. I cherish mornings like these where we could be talking about three completely different things but still be on the same page. I cherish the fact that from the day I met both of them we have never got into an argument or went any period of time without speaking to one another, ever. The rest of you are so caught up with needing to build a social life that you don't take the time and care when considering potential friendships- you just want "friends". As a result, you miss out on the process of creating sacred memories that you'll keep with you until your very last breath.

Sadly for many of you, you haven't experienced true friendship yet- in which case you can't relate to these thoughts of mine one bit. The "friends" that you spend every day with probably won't be your friends a decade from now. Your only memories will be endless nights out with someone who never impacted your life in such a way that they'd still be there until your very last day. You're wasting precious time with people that you are easily going to forget.

In ten years I'm not going to remember our adventure in Fort Lauderdale last night. I'll remember how I'm writing this blog as two of my best friends are sound asleep just feet away from me without a clue that these are the moments I love. I love that in ten years when I look back on this very morning and call upon this little cherished memory of mine, it will most likely be over coffee with these two.

Enough Lemons, Thank You.

Life can change drastically at any moment's notice whether we are prepared for it or not.  From something tragic like a car accident to something even more tragic like a positive pregnancy test (kidding...) We could have everything today and nothing tomorrow, or nothing today and everything tomorrow- either way there is a plan for each of us and we can't ever see what's coming at us next.  Bite the bullet on the bad days and savor every second on the good ones because regardless of which card you're dealt the deck will eventually be gone. 

I'm not giving you the typical "don't take things for granted" speech, I'm just saying that expecting the unexpected not only keeps you grounded but provides all the substance in life.  My best friend's pregnancy seemed like the scariest thing two years ago, but she has grown to be an amazing woman as a result.  Her child is a blessing who we could never imagine life without and I can't find the words to describe how proud I am that she still pushed through college, got her degree and is living a balanced life between her career and motherhood.  For others that may not be the case, when it rains it pours.

Story of my life. 

Need to renew your health insurance, you get really sick.  Buy a new car, lose your job.  Things looking up?  You get a speeding ticket.  Behind on bills, car breaks down.  Fall in love?  Whoops, he's married.  Spend an hour curling your hair, it ends up raining.  Deposit money into the bank, lose your bank card.


......could anything else go wrong today?!
A typical day for me in high-school usually went as follows:

 I was an hour late Monday through Thursday and didn't bother to attend most Fridays (always found time to stop for Dunkin Donuts coffee).  The coffee would always end up spilled on my shirt before I walked in the building.  I'd get an unexcused late pass which I'd lose on my way to Sarah Fortier's World History class.  I'd drag my Birkenstocks through her door only to find that we have a test that day.  Ofcourse I knew nothing on the test, so I'd sign my name and circle "C" for every question.  (Fail).  I'd text during Pre-Calc (because the last time I was good at math was in 7th grade), get yelled at in Science if I asked Mr. Spatzer to go pee, fight with the librarian during study hall for talking too much (sorry I'm popular), get sent to detention which I'd never serve, and leave school early to go to work where I got to spread mayo and dijon on bread all night for people who lived off of subs . Before my day was even close to over, it was already ruined.  Don't be so negative guys; the glass is half full.

I know everything above is petty compared to a majority of the problems that people face, I'm just trying to explain that nothing is going to happen exactly as we want it to.  Myself?  I'm actually more of a "glass is half empty" kind of girl, as opposed to every barista at Starbucks who's always way to excited to make coffee early in the day... makes me sick.

All in all, every day we wake up means another day we've survived. 

Two Species: Bitter or Simply Stupid

I don't understand why when we were growing up our moms always said, "Don't talk to strangers."  My conversations with strangers are like a breath of fresh air; usually insightful and surprisingly I can make their stories relate to my life like a horoscope.  I wake up late today with plenty on my mind and after a hot shower I find myself sitting at the bar at Villagio with a glass of wine next to an older and interesting guy, Ray.

After some small talk, he starts venting to me about his lady problems...awkward.  I listen as my wine glass begins to empty at a faster pace, but I had a feeling this conversation would have a point.  Sure as daylight- it did.

All day I have these thoughts going through my mind.  Relationships are lose-lose situations and those of you who are in love right now may beg to differ with me, but call me in a couple years and let me know where you're at.  I can't help but think to myself, what is the point of it all?  All good things must come to an end, unfortunately.  Why set yourself up for heartbreak?  But in the other perspective, why keep a wall and never set yourself up for love?

Anyways, back to Ray.  While I'm semi-listening, semi-ignoring, and drinking my wine he says one sentence that woke me up.  "And then I broke the most important rule."   I set my glass down and say, "Enlighten me.  What rule did you break?"  As he shakes his head he looks up and tells me, "I fell in love with her."

Falling in love may give you a rush when it happens, but so does shooting heroin.  Some things just aren't for everybody. 

I guess I'm more of a realist than a romantic.  Some women look forward to getting chocolates and flowers on Valentine's Day, and others would rather watch Jerry McGuire alone in bed while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.  Love is over rated.  Maybe bitter women are the way they are because they just don't have what those hopeless romantics do, a bitch.  Or maybe the hopeless romantics dream in the clouds because they don't have what the bitter women do, guts.

By all means don't fight a good thing; but is the time you spend with that somebody worth taking the risk of having it all end one day?  Only to leave you with that unbearable pain that yes, may slowly disappear as time goes on, but the smallest bit remains to linger on inside of you forever.  Should we just spare ourselves?  Or is it even worse to put up your wall and never take the risk, saving yourself from the heartbreak?  All in all, at this point in time I'd say love is for suckers.